>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. your moment of zen. >> benjamin netanyahu there's nobody like him. he's a winner and people really

[eagle caw] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you. thank you. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen -- [cheers and applause]

oh, nothing can stop us now. [ laughter ] welcome to the broadcast presented to you tonight in full color. [ laughter ] good to have you with us. folks, once again, the big news comes from washington-- an ongoing scandal threatens to engulf barack obama's second term. >> big questions for beyonce. >> was beyonce singing live or just acting the national anthem? >> late today showbiz tonight confirmed that beyonce lip- synced that incredible rendition of the national anthem. >> there is so much going on regarding beyoncegate. >> anthemgate. >> beyoncegate. >> the latest on beyonce's lip gate. >> stephen: yes lip-gate. beyonce-gate. the crisis in lip-ya. beyonc-gazi. was there a second singer on the grassy knowles? [ laughter ] we're still working on it.

we have a graphics package and everything eventually. [ laughter ] folks, if beyonce lip-synced at obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? if so, please write in because i'd love to know why i'm so angry. [ laughter ] this comes as a heartbreaking allegation because we were all moved by ms. knowles' performance, none more so than joe biden. ♪ rockets red glare ♪ the bombs bursting in air [ laughter ] that man either loves this country very much, or chuck schumer just ripped one. [ laughter ] the american people were led to believe she had delivered the most stirring rendition of our national anthem since francis scott key first sang it at

america's original super bowl, a cage fight between a bear and a chinaman. [ laughter ] okay. let's break it down. let's break this down. now here's the timeline. late monday, sources in the marine corps band, who allegedly accompanied beyonce, leaked the information that "beyonceé decided shortly before her performance to rely on the studio version rather than risk singing it live on the capitol." because evidently, this time, it was the jelly that was not ready. [ laughter ] then, after pressure from we don't know where, the marine corps band suddenly releases this statement saying "regarding ms. knowles-carter's vocal performance, no one in the marine band is in a position to assess whether it was live or prerecorded." when those marines are in the (bleep) with the trombones and the drums, no one knows where the singing's coming from. [ laughter ] it's called the fog of warble. [ laughter ]

then accusations start flying that the marine corps band "wasn't actually playing during the song." oh, so now we can't trust the marines?! what does this undermine our faith in the military? do we have a proper chain of command? are we really even at war in afghanistan? [ laughter ] or are we just lip synching to an old recording of vietnam? [ laughter ] mr. president mr. president, the american people demand answers: -- what did beyonce sing, and when did she sing it? and is that even beyonce? it could have been sasha fierce. [ laughter ] so far, folks, in response to this growing scandal, beyonce has had "no comment." though at this point we don't know if that's "her" not commenting or whether she was just "not moving" her lips to a pre-recorded silence. [ laughter ]

either way, it's official: jay-z now has 100 problems. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] that guy know what's i'm talking about right there. folks, i don't pretend to know everything. 'cuz i don't have to pretend. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheers and applause] nation, obama's plan to keep our kids safe is laughably insufficient. luckily, one rural town in ohio has come up with a common-sense solution. >> there's one school district in ohio , they have a new plan, and that is to arm non-teaching employees, basically the janitors and custodians. >> stephen: yes, janitors and custodians. important difference. because he does not spend four years earning his ph.d. in custodial science to be mistaken for some numb-nut janitor. [ laughter ]

point is, they'll both have guns, and be able to stop any madman-- as soon as they find the right weapon on their gun ring. [ laughter ] so i'm giving a tip of the hat to the montpelier, ohio, school district. janitors are the logical choice to protect our schools. as one supporter wrote to the the lima, ohio news, quote: "why the custodian? the choice is obvious. they do not have a classroom full of children as their first responsibility as teachers do. and unlike the administrators, they are not needed for quick decisions." [ laughter ] >> stephen: yes, these are the guys we don't trust with any responsibility. let's give them the guns! and they're not -- [cheers and applause] and they're not just handing weapons to people who don't know what they're doing. the janitors are getting "a two-day training class, "which

may not sound like much, but come on, they're learning to fire a gun, not refill a paper towel dispenser. whrf lf. [ laughter ] next, it can be hard for libertarians to find true love. which is why i'm giving a tip of my hat to theatlasphere.com, a dating site inspired by the work of philosopher and forgotten member of the munsters, ayn rand. [ laughter ] the atlasphere is dedicated to "connecting admirers of the fountainhead and atlas shrugged," because nothing leads to pillow talk like talking about books the size of pillows. [ laughter ] and ayn rand knows about matters of the heart. just listen to her 1959 seduction of mike wallace. >> every important moral leader in man's history has taught us that we should love one another. why then is this kind of love in your mind immoral? >> it is immoral if it is a love placed above oneself. >> if a man is weak or a woman is weak, than he or she is

beyond love? >> he certainly doesn't deserve it. [audience reacts] >> stephen: how did he not jump her bones? [ laughter ] atlasphere.com is the best place for randians to find the one they love, other than their bathroom mirror. [ laughter ] just look at some of the lovelorn objectivists who are already on the site. ladies, here's eligible bachelor "pikey pete," whose profile simply reads "i am me. that is all that should be said." [ laughter ] you can look forward to years of sparkling dinner conversation. "steak is entree. that is all that should be eaten." [ laughter ] and don't worry, guys. the atlasphere is also full of industrious women. like "myosotis," a 28-year-old young woman who humbly states "i am amazing. i am deeply interested in

whatever i am interested in, whenever i am interested in it." [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] so fellas, if you're interested in her, that is something you will have in common. [ laughter ] so romance-minded objectivists, log onto theatlasphere.com and find a love that lasts forever, or until you figure out which one of you is the parasite. [ laughter ] finally, i'm no fan of snakes. anything that hugs something to death has mommy issues. see a therapist. [ laughter ] and i'm not the only snake-hater out there. for more we turn to fox news' resident mongoose, shep smith. >> south florida has a snake problem, specifically a python problem. wildlife experts say as many as 150,000 burmese pythons are slithering around in the florida everglades. >> stephen: the problem stemmed from people importing these south asian monsters as exotic pets, and then letting them escape. and i'm giving a tip of the hat to florida officials for coming

up with a plan. >> state officials have organized the 2013 python challenge. bag a python, you could pocket a reward of a thousand bucks. >> stephen: a thousand bucks. with that kind of money, you could get something cool, like a pet python. [ laughter ] if you get bored with it, just let it go. [ laughter ] now there are rules. >>either shoot it once in the head or use a machete and chop its head off. any python more than two pieces will not be accepted for prizes. [ laughter ] >> stephen: very important. very important. no more than two pieces of snake will be accepted. so don't come in trying to pass off your old snake chunks. [ laughter ] and florida residents, please be careful. it's easy to think you've bagged a 6-foot albino burmese, when in fact you've captured florida governor rick scott. [ laughter ] we'll be right back.

for over 60,000 california foster children, nights can feel long and lonely. i miss my sister. i miss my old school. i miss my room. i don't want special treatment. i just wanna feel normal. to help, sleep train is collecting pajamas for foster children, big and small. bring your gift to any sleep train, and help make a foster child's night a little cozier. not everyone can be a foster parent, but anyone can help a foster child.

>> stephen: we welcome back, everybody. thanks so much.

folks, every so often i like to salute the men or lady men who have the biggest balls in these u.s. of a.'s. this is my alpha dog of the week. [growl] this week's alpha dogs are the pack of purebred republicans in the virginia state senate. [growl] on monday, they redrew the district lines for the virginia state senate to "make eight electoral districts, six of them presently held by democrats, more heavily republican," and to "concentrate more minority voters in a new southside district." and they did it by pushing "the re-drawn state political map past flabbergasted democrats." frankly, i don't see why these democrats' gasts are so flabbered. [ laughter ] the state senate is split 20 republicans and 20 democrats. why didn't the democrats stop them? i'll tell you why. because these republicans are alpha dogs. >> republicans chose to introduce the legislation on a day when one democrat wasn't there.

>> stephen: yes, they waited until democrat senator and long-time civil rights leader henry marsh left town on martin luther king day to attend president obama's inauguration. [audience reacts] how fitting. in the words of dr. king, "i have been to the mountaintop, and while i was there, they heavily redistricted the promised land." [ laughter ] but the way these good ol' alpha dogs really swung their sacks in the faces of black voters was that after this vote on martin luther king day they "adjourned in memory of confederate general stonewall jackson." [audience reacts] what better way to honor dr. king? because if it weren't for the confederacy, he wouldn't have had that much to do. [ laughter ] now the bill -- you're welcome.

[ laughter ] now the bill still has to be signed by virginia governor bob mcdonnell, who said "obviously the tactics used yesterday were a surprise and i don't think that's the way business should be done," but he didn't promise to veto it, saying instead "if i get a bill, i'll deal with it at that time." >> stephen: yeah, game time decision. after all, if somebody offered me a panda-burger, i'd definitely say the idea is repellant and offensive. but, if you're just going to throw it out-- [ laughter ] so virginia state senate, for putting republican leadership on the map-- and then heavily redrawing that map in your favor, you are my alpha dogs of the week. [growl] we'll be right back. ,x[cheers and applause]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has won three emmys, two oscars, and two golden globes. but still no mtv movie award for best round-house kick in a romantic comedy. please welcome sally field. [cheers and applause] have a seat. good to see you again. thank you for coming on. all right. what a pleasure to have you

here. i'm an enormous fan. >> thank you. thank you. >> stephen: and -- >> yeah, what? >> stephen: do you have anything to say about me. >> me, too of you. >> stephen: you didn't have to say thank really i am. the only time my children are going to be watch me because they were thrilled i was on your show. >> stephen: wow. you sound like you raised some really smart kids. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: we're going to get into your, you know, your left wing hollywood, you know screed later. >> all right, fine. >> stephen: first i want to talk about this movie, lincoln. >> okay. >> stephen: it's such a brilliant movism i have never been moved by parliamentary procedure before. but it really does -- why did you want to play mary todd so much? >> are you finished? now i meant i wanted to get all the question.

>> stephen: please answer. why? >> well, she's such a complicated, underexamined, underappreciated valuable female in american history. >> stephen: let's show a scene right here, jimmy, of the power of mary todd. >> when i have ever been so easily bamboozled but amending the constitution and abolishing slavery will end this war and since you are sending my son to the war, wo serks you if you fail to pass the amendment. >> we're leaving big bloody foot prints all over town. >> no one knows better than you the proper placement of the path. just do it if you must because if you fail to acquire the

necessary votes -- >> stephen: wow. [cheers and applause] historically accurate. she had that kind of influence over her husband? >> oh, yes. >> stephen: really? >> yes, she did. she always did. >> stephen: he had her put away at some point, didn't he? >> no, no. >> stephen: he didn't have to give her quiet time. >> everyone had to give her quiet time. she was very colorfulful highly emotional and she went through a lot of bad things. loss of children and eventually she lost him and then it went on and got worse from there. she was really a tragic, tragic character. >> stephen: maybe not -- maybe not insane but mad from grief? >> she was. she was. and at the end of her life. she stayed mad literally period

but who wouldn't be? >> stephen: can we talk about what makes me mad. >> i think so. go ahead. >> stephen: spielberg making you audition for this will part. you are sally god damn field. i don't see why he gets asking to you audition, okay? why do you do that? you don't audition for things. >> well, i did. and i needed to. and i'm glad i did. >> stephen: so you had to go meet daniel day-lewis? >> no, no, no not really. everybody joined in as a cast. it was what we needed to do to enearth mary. steven wasn't sure i was right. he asked me to do the role such a long time ago. it took a long time to get the magnificent screenplay and

daniel day-lewis was on board. he wasn't sure the dynamic was right. i said i won't walk away. he said what if i test you. daniel came on board. he flew in from ireland to los angeles for the day so steven could see us on film together. >> stephen: did you meet him or lincoln? >> um, you know it's -- i don't think he met me either. we both met as early version of mary and early version of mr. lincoln and it was the beginning of what you see on the screen finally. it's what needed to be done and it was incredibly generous for steven to go with it in the first place and then it was amazing that he dropped everything he felt and said, okay, i'll go with what you've got. >> stephen: you said you always felt like an outsider in the industry that you worked in since you were a kid, right? >> yes. >> stephen: why? people -- everybody loves you. >> i don't know.

i'm not invited to very many parties or anything. i just don't know. [ laughter ] >> stephen: want to go get a drink? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> i don't know. aren't you married? >> stephen: aren't you? >> no. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: well, sally, thank you so much for coming. >> thank you. that's it. i don't get anymore. >> stephen: no, of course we do. [ laughter ] we do. of course. oh, oh, yes, i have to ask -- >> okay, yeah. >> stephen: you gained 25 pounds for this role. >> good question. good question. [ laughter ] >> stephen: true? >> i did. >> stephen: how did you do it? >> a ate a whole lot of food. >> stephen: that's why you are a superstar. >> i know. >> stephen: 25 pounds you are a little thing.

i know you got the boniva. do your bones have the structural integrity to hold the 25 powns. >> they do now because i've been taking boniva. [ applause ] >> stephen: you know who could have used boniva? mary todd lincoln. she we are the country on her back. >> she did. she did. i bet she wasn't invited to a lot of parties either. >> stephen: she wasn't. thank you so much for joining me, sally field.